1 00:00:01,566 --> 00:00:03,133 [PHONE RINGING] 2 00:00:03,177 --> 00:00:04,221 OPERATOR: [OVER PHONE] 9-1-1. What's your emergency? 3 00:00:04,265 --> 00:00:05,788 GIRL: My dad can't breathe. 4 00:00:05,831 --> 00:00:07,355 WOMAN: My husband, his eyes are going back... 5 00:00:07,398 --> 00:00:09,096 WOMAN 2: My son... Oh, my God. 6 00:00:09,139 --> 00:00:10,923 [INDISTINCT CHATTER] 7 00:00:10,967 --> 00:00:15,363 [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING] 8 00:00:24,241 --> 00:00:25,068 NANDOR: I'm pretty certain 9 00:00:25,112 --> 00:00:26,678 it might be this way. 10 00:00:26,722 --> 00:00:28,071 This is it. The big night. 11 00:00:28,115 --> 00:00:30,769 Our first Vampiric Council tribunal. 12 00:00:30,813 --> 00:00:33,468 Let the Ceremony of Judgment commence! 13 00:00:33,511 --> 00:00:36,123 Where we once stood as prisoners sentenced to death, 14 00:00:36,166 --> 00:00:39,082 we will now be sitting as judge and jury. 15 00:00:39,126 --> 00:00:40,953 - You're gonna die, and you're gonna.... -[Guillermo chuckles] 16 00:00:40,997 --> 00:00:43,086 -[Nadja screams] -[screams] Fuck! 17 00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:45,306 Never sneak up on a vampire like that, Guillermo. 18 00:00:45,349 --> 00:00:46,698 - NADJA: How did you even get down here? - What do you mean? 19 00:00:46,742 --> 00:00:47,873 I've been down here for 20 minutes, 20 00:00:47,917 --> 00:00:49,310 - waiting for you guys. - Oh. 21 00:00:49,353 --> 00:00:51,529 Well, is it this way, or is it that way? 22 00:00:51,573 --> 00:00:52,748 - GUILLERMO: I think it's... - GUIDE: It's back this way. -[Nadja screams] 23 00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:54,532 NANDOR: [screams] Fucking Guide. 24 00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:57,492 I've been standing behind you for half an hour. 25 00:00:57,535 --> 00:01:00,582 - What? - Silently watching you. 26 00:01:00,625 --> 00:01:03,106 Breathing in your scent. 27 00:01:03,150 --> 00:01:05,978 Smelling your musk. 28 00:01:06,022 --> 00:01:09,025 So... is it this way or...? 29 00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,896 Oh, no, no. It's back this way. 30 00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:12,724 - Oh, good. - Yes, you missed it. Come along, everyone. 31 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,163 ["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing] 32 00:01:16,206 --> 00:01:18,687 ♪ Don't sing if you want to live long♪ 33 00:01:18,730 --> 00:01:21,168 ♪ They have no use for your song♪ 34 00:01:21,211 --> 00:01:23,866 ♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead♪ 35 00:01:23,909 --> 00:01:26,782 ♪ You're dead and out of this world♪ 36 00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:31,352 ♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone♪ 37 00:01:31,395 --> 00:01:34,137 ♪ You sold out your dream to the world♪ 38 00:01:34,181 --> 00:01:36,444 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead♪ 39 00:01:36,487 --> 00:01:39,142 ♪ You're dead and out of this world.♪ 40 00:01:39,186 --> 00:01:40,883 ♪ 41 00:01:48,586 --> 00:01:52,112 Our neighbor Sean has kindly invited us to his 42 00:01:52,155 --> 00:01:54,331 for what he described as a "boys-only night." 43 00:01:54,375 --> 00:01:56,507 Now, I gleefully assumed 44 00:01:56,551 --> 00:01:58,422 that that would be some kind of circle jerk. 45 00:01:58,466 --> 00:02:00,685 - Oh, I don't think that's what he meant. - No, it isn't. 46 00:02:00,729 --> 00:02:02,426 Anyway, I've invited Colin Robinson... 47 00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:05,299 [imitating Jar Jar Binks]: Ah, mui, mui mesa love you. 48 00:02:05,342 --> 00:02:06,865 LASZLO: Is that a friend of yours? 49 00:02:06,909 --> 00:02:08,432 Mesa Jar Jar Binks. 50 00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:10,434 LASZLO: Ooh. That's a nice voice. 51 00:02:10,478 --> 00:02:12,436 COLIN: You don't find this voice annoying? 52 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:15,135 I think it's very funny, indeed, Colin. 53 00:02:15,178 --> 00:02:17,049 SEAN: My Uncle Fulvio 54 00:02:17,093 --> 00:02:20,183 did all the repaneling in here, so it's looking real nice. Oh! 55 00:02:20,227 --> 00:02:21,880 - Frankie, Mikey! - MIKEY: Hey! 56 00:02:21,924 --> 00:02:23,882 You remember my old buddy Laz and, uh, his friend 57 00:02:23,926 --> 00:02:25,623 - Robinson Caruso. - Yo! - Hey. 58 00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:27,712 - COLIN: What you dudes watching? - SEAN: Ah, 59 00:02:27,756 --> 00:02:29,671 local community college hockey, you know. 60 00:02:29,714 --> 00:02:31,542 The purest form of sport is 61 00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:33,457 community college because you get 'em 62 00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:35,894 - right after high school, and, uh... - Come on, move. Move. 63 00:02:35,938 --> 00:02:37,244 - Before they really... - SEAN: Robbie Robertson. 64 00:02:37,287 --> 00:02:38,767 You make a better door than a window, okay? 65 00:02:38,810 --> 00:02:40,812 -[laughs]: I have heard that. - MIKEY: Shut up. 66 00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:43,728 - They want you to get out of the way, Colin Robinson. - Oh. Okay. 67 00:02:43,772 --> 00:02:45,339 - SEAN: Just have a seat. Just have a seat. - LASZLO: I brought these 68 00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:46,731 especially for the occasion. 69 00:02:46,775 --> 00:02:48,733 - Oh! -[chuckles] 70 00:02:48,777 --> 00:02:50,213 - MIKEY: Look at that. - Don't ask me where I got them from. 71 00:02:50,257 --> 00:02:51,432 -[Sean grunts] - COLIN: I, too, 72 00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:53,608 - have a little gift. - Oh. 73 00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:56,393 You guys are into the whole Agatha Christie thing, 74 00:02:56,437 --> 00:02:57,873 right? Murder mystery games? 75 00:02:57,916 --> 00:03:01,224 "Mrs. Honeychurch and the Hanging 76 00:03:01,268 --> 00:03:04,445 - at 'Vykrage Valet.'" -"Hanging at... Vicarage Valley." 77 00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:06,360 Yeah. It'll take a while to play, 78 00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:10,146 but I think if we start now, we should be done by dawn. 79 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,756 Fuck. 80 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,149 -[door opens] - NADJA: Hmm? 81 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,672 -[Nadja chuckling] - NANDOR: Eh... 82 00:03:14,716 --> 00:03:16,413 Yes. 83 00:03:16,457 --> 00:03:19,329 Okay, okay, don't make a big deal out of it. Okay, do. 84 00:03:19,373 --> 00:03:21,288 - Do make a big deal of it. Come on. - Yes. 85 00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:22,941 I feel like this is my wedding day. 86 00:03:22,985 --> 00:03:25,857 But I shouldn't be wearing white. [chuckles] 87 00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:30,514 So... ♪ Let the Ceremony of Judgment commence.♪ 88 00:03:30,558 --> 00:03:32,429 NANDOR: Very good. 89 00:03:32,473 --> 00:03:34,692 - Very good. - All right. Well, I will be the one who says that. 90 00:03:34,736 --> 00:03:36,520 But before we continue, 91 00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:39,480 there is just one more thing we have to check off our list. 92 00:03:39,523 --> 00:03:41,351 - Come on in. - NANDOR: Ooh. - NADJA: Oh. 93 00:03:41,395 --> 00:03:45,050 This is a conduct/harassment training video 94 00:03:45,094 --> 00:03:47,966 that our human resources department put together 95 00:03:48,010 --> 00:03:50,665 as mandatory viewing for all employees. 96 00:03:50,708 --> 00:03:51,970 - Okay? - Okay, fine. - Okay, let's get it over with. 97 00:03:52,014 --> 00:03:54,016 All right. 98 00:03:54,059 --> 00:03:56,105 ♪ 99 00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:09,771 - So, that's it, then? - GUIDE: Yes. 100 00:04:09,814 --> 00:04:12,513 So, that just means anything and everything goes here. 101 00:04:12,556 --> 00:04:15,385 He smacks me on the ass, you finger me, 102 00:04:15,429 --> 00:04:17,779 I stroke him off, et cetera, et cetera. 103 00:04:17,822 --> 00:04:19,346 GUILLERMO: Mm-mm. 104 00:04:19,389 --> 00:04:21,173 We have found it to be good for team building. 105 00:04:21,217 --> 00:04:24,089 So anything and everything goes? 106 00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:26,440 Yes. We have sort of fallen into doing it all 107 00:04:26,483 --> 00:04:29,312 - on a Thursday night to get it out of the way. - NADJA: Oh. 108 00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:31,793 Otherwise, it can be very exhausting. 109 00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:35,318 Now, I know you both agreed to be coleaders, 110 00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:37,320 but the fact remains: only one of you 111 00:04:37,364 --> 00:04:39,496 can sit on the throne. Who will it be? 112 00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:41,455 - Uh, me, thank you. - Fine, I'll do it. -[whispering]: No. 113 00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:43,631 Let her have the throne. Power is won 114 00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:46,286 - by those who seem to least desire it. - NANDOR: But the throne 115 00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:49,419 - is a big deal, and I want to sit on it. - And you will. 116 00:04:49,463 --> 00:04:51,813 - NANDOR: Stop touching me. - What are you two whispering about? 117 00:04:51,856 --> 00:04:54,206 Guys? It's a one-person throne, okay? 118 00:04:54,250 --> 00:04:56,252 What is so hard about this? 119 00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:57,471 GUILLERMO: I mean, who wields the ultimate power? 120 00:04:57,514 --> 00:04:59,386 The one who sits on the throne? 121 00:04:59,429 --> 00:05:01,518 - Nadja may sit on the throne. -[Nadja chuckles] 122 00:05:01,562 --> 00:05:03,303 Or the one who challenges the throne-sitter? 123 00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:04,826 - Thank you, Nandor. - Yes. 124 00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:06,871 GUILLERMO: Or perhaps it's the person 125 00:05:06,915 --> 00:05:09,439 who whispers into both their ears. 126 00:05:10,614 --> 00:05:13,095 So, at the time in question, I was having a brandy 127 00:05:13,138 --> 00:05:15,184 with Vicar Wilson in the, uh, 128 00:05:15,227 --> 00:05:16,707 - tack room or some shit. - Oh. 129 00:05:16,751 --> 00:05:19,057 Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, how-how you guys been, uh, 130 00:05:19,101 --> 00:05:21,495 - sleeping lately, huh? - MIKEY: Uh, you know, not too bad. 131 00:05:21,538 --> 00:05:24,019 - I actually been taking this melatonin stuff... - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear that. 132 00:05:24,062 --> 00:05:25,673 I've been sleeping like shit, too, you know? 133 00:05:25,716 --> 00:05:27,849 My neck's been all stiff, and, uh, my knees, 134 00:05:27,892 --> 00:05:30,460 - they've been swelling. It's really bad. - LASZLO: So, hold on. 135 00:05:30,504 --> 00:05:32,070 - Is Frank dead? - FRANK: No. 136 00:05:32,114 --> 00:05:33,681 - Frank? I'm Frank. - LASZLO: Oh, right. 137 00:05:33,724 --> 00:05:35,596 I'm having a brandy with the-the vicar. 138 00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:37,075 - Gotcha. - MIKEY: Am I the vicar? 139 00:05:37,119 --> 00:05:38,990 - You're the vicar. - SEAN: My lower back! 140 00:05:39,034 --> 00:05:41,515 Oh, forget about it. It was terrible. 141 00:05:41,558 --> 00:05:43,430 But then I got this new pillow, 142 00:05:43,473 --> 00:05:45,170 which is not available in stores, 143 00:05:45,214 --> 00:05:47,216 - and, uh... - Well, how did you get it, then? 144 00:05:47,259 --> 00:05:48,913 Stop asking so many questions. 145 00:05:48,957 --> 00:05:50,480 Anyway, it's an incredible product. 146 00:05:50,524 --> 00:05:52,395 It totally changed my life. 147 00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:54,484 - COLIN: Okay. - FRANK: Yeah, cool. Oh, hey, 148 00:05:54,528 --> 00:05:57,444 - you guys hear, uh, Kevin got laid off? - No. 149 00:05:57,487 --> 00:05:59,141 - Yeah. For real. - Kevin? 150 00:05:59,184 --> 00:06:00,490 SEAN: I've been sleeping like a baby now. 151 00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:02,274 Really sleeping like a baby 152 00:06:02,318 --> 00:06:05,365 thanks to this brand-new, state-of-the-art pillow. 153 00:06:05,408 --> 00:06:06,714 What the fuck is its name? 154 00:06:06,757 --> 00:06:08,672 Hold on. Hold on. I'll be right back. 155 00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:10,718 - Hold that thought. - LASZLO: You see this hockey match? 156 00:06:10,761 --> 00:06:13,808 We played a game exactly like that at Eton. Difference is, 157 00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:16,376 we didn't play with a puck. We played with a cock. 158 00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:18,378 - A cock that had been hardened... - COLIN: Can we actually 159 00:06:18,421 --> 00:06:20,162 get back to your friend who was fired? 160 00:06:20,205 --> 00:06:21,990 -[singsongy]: Da-da-da-da! - Oh, Kevin. Yeah, it was brutal. 161 00:06:22,033 --> 00:06:24,819 - He got... - It's called the Guy Pillow. 162 00:06:24,862 --> 00:06:27,256 - For the man who sleeps. - COLIN: Ooh. 163 00:06:27,299 --> 00:06:31,434 Yeah, yeah, like that guy, uh, on TV. Mike Lindell, right? 164 00:06:31,478 --> 00:06:34,437 That's the MyPillow, and this is the Guy Pillow. 165 00:06:34,481 --> 00:06:36,221 - They're completely different. - LASZLO: All right. 166 00:06:36,265 --> 00:06:39,137 Simmer down, Sean. We can't all be pillow experts. 167 00:06:39,181 --> 00:06:40,574 - SEAN: Right. Yeah. Yeah. - FRANK: Okay. 168 00:06:40,617 --> 00:06:42,314 Can we get back to the game? 169 00:06:42,358 --> 00:06:43,620 Yeah. I got a card. 170 00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:46,188 Okay, stop twisting my arm, guys. 171 00:06:46,231 --> 00:06:47,972 I'll give you a demo, all right? 172 00:06:48,016 --> 00:06:49,626 Does the pillow come with the pillowcase? 173 00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:51,106 SEAN: Yeah, I'm glad you asked that, Laz. 174 00:06:51,149 --> 00:06:53,195 It's a hypoallergenic pillowcase, 175 00:06:53,238 --> 00:06:56,764 and, yeah, the whole shebang comes for what? $49.99. 176 00:06:56,807 --> 00:06:58,722 -[spits, chuckles] What? - What the fuck? -[chuckles] Seanie, 177 00:06:58,766 --> 00:07:01,769 - 50 bucks for a fucking pillow? - SEAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 178 00:07:01,812 --> 00:07:04,685 This is a quality pillow but for a value price. 179 00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:07,035 But you know what I'm gonna do? Because you guys are my friends, 180 00:07:07,078 --> 00:07:08,819 I'm gonna knock ten bucks off the top. 181 00:07:08,863 --> 00:07:10,908 - That's $39.99 apiece. - FRANK: Whoa, whoa. 182 00:07:10,952 --> 00:07:13,171 - Wait. You're selling these things? - SEAN: You kidding me? 183 00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:16,392 - These things sell themselves. So, who's in? - Uh... 184 00:07:18,525 --> 00:07:20,483 -[bell tolls] - The Ceremony of Judgment 185 00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:22,137 will now commence. 186 00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:23,704 - Wait, I was gonna... -[classical music playing] 187 00:07:31,363 --> 00:07:33,061 Okay, stop! 188 00:07:33,104 --> 00:07:35,063 - Stop. I'm not ready. No, no. -[music stops playing] 189 00:07:35,106 --> 00:07:37,718 So, back to one. I don't... I'm so sorry. 190 00:07:37,761 --> 00:07:39,763 - What seems to be the problem? - Nandor is very tall. 191 00:07:39,807 --> 00:07:41,635 When he stands, his face is much higher 192 00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:43,114 than my face 'cause I am sat on the throne. 193 00:07:43,158 --> 00:07:44,594 I'll see what I can do. 194 00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:46,248 Thank you, Guillermo. 195 00:07:46,291 --> 00:07:47,641 Here's a thought. 196 00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:50,513 Perhaps we just remove the throne 197 00:07:50,557 --> 00:07:51,732 - from the equation. - NANDOR: Here's a thought. 198 00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:53,603 Can we get this going already? 199 00:07:53,647 --> 00:07:55,387 Remove the throne! 200 00:07:55,431 --> 00:07:58,390 NANDOR: Ah, shit. 201 00:07:58,434 --> 00:07:59,522 [throne scraping] 202 00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:01,089 - Ooh! Ooh, that's... - Aah! 203 00:08:01,132 --> 00:08:02,830 - NANDOR: Ay-ay-ay-ay. -[overlapping chatter] 204 00:08:02,873 --> 00:08:05,006 That's-that's plenty. Thank you, wraiths. 205 00:08:05,049 --> 00:08:07,095 - That's plenty. Thank you. -[wraiths whispering indistinctly] 206 00:08:07,138 --> 00:08:09,663 - Gonna be hard to get that out. - GUIDE: Okay, we good? 207 00:08:09,706 --> 00:08:11,578 - Everyone good? - NADJA: Yes. - NANDOR: Yes. 208 00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:12,927 - Great. -[Nandor clears throat] 209 00:08:12,970 --> 00:08:15,190 Let the Ceremony of Judgment commence! 210 00:08:15,233 --> 00:08:16,757 - Can't I just say it once? -[bell tolls] 211 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,542 [classical music playing] 212 00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:20,848 GUIDE: Okay, stop! 213 00:08:20,891 --> 00:08:22,502 - NADJA: What now? - It looks so dumb 214 00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:24,852 with the throne just sitting there empty. 215 00:08:24,895 --> 00:08:26,549 She does make a good point. [chuckles softly] 216 00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:29,552 You guys, just take five. Honestly, don't go far. 217 00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:30,901 What you really should do 218 00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:32,773 is stop acting like a bunch of jabronis 219 00:08:32,816 --> 00:08:35,558 and get, like, 25 of these things each. 220 00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:38,518 COLIN: Well, I don't usually sleep with 25 pillows. 221 00:08:38,561 --> 00:08:40,694 SEAN: News flash. You don't use these. 222 00:08:40,737 --> 00:08:42,260 You buy extras, 223 00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:44,001 and then you sell 'em to your stupid friends 224 00:08:44,045 --> 00:08:46,221 for a little do-re-mi for yourself. 225 00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:47,570 Laz, come on. [chuckles] 226 00:08:47,614 --> 00:08:49,398 I don't use a pillow. 227 00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:51,095 SEAN: Okay. Well, Mikey. 228 00:08:51,139 --> 00:08:53,010 Come on. I mean, we used to sleep 229 00:08:53,054 --> 00:08:54,490 - in the same bed. - MIKEY: Hey, buddy, 230 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:55,796 I don't know what to tell you, you know? 231 00:08:55,839 --> 00:08:57,624 All my friends are in this room, you know? 232 00:08:57,667 --> 00:08:59,103 - No. - SEAN: You know what? 233 00:08:59,147 --> 00:09:01,149 Fine. I mean, what does it matter? 234 00:09:01,192 --> 00:09:02,454 Don't buy any, huh? 235 00:09:02,498 --> 00:09:04,152 You bunch of fucking backstabbers. 236 00:09:04,195 --> 00:09:05,849 Who cares about Sean, right? 237 00:09:05,893 --> 00:09:07,634 - Fuck me, right? - FRANK: Sean. 238 00:09:07,677 --> 00:09:09,592 [scoffs] Fuck me? Well, fuck you! 239 00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:11,768 - Oh! - SEAN: You are gonna regret it when you didn't get in 240 00:09:11,812 --> 00:09:14,858 on the ground floor of this superior product! 241 00:09:14,902 --> 00:09:16,599 [Frank exhales sharply] 242 00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:18,645 FRANK: Fucking Sean. 243 00:09:19,689 --> 00:09:21,648 LASZLO: You all right, Sean? 244 00:09:21,691 --> 00:09:24,172 Honestly, Laz? I'm not doing too good. 245 00:09:24,215 --> 00:09:26,174 I was hoping you were getting, like, 25 pillows, 246 00:09:26,217 --> 00:09:30,918 and I was counting on, uh, you know, Newman Robinson 247 00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:32,528 or whatever the fuck his name is. 248 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,486 - Who? - The guy who looks like a fetus. 249 00:09:34,530 --> 00:09:36,271 - Oh, right. - And then Nandor and his boyfriend 250 00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:38,012 don't even show up? I mean... 251 00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:39,187 Well, I wouldn't take that personally. 252 00:09:39,230 --> 00:09:40,797 Listen, I know. It's just... 253 00:09:40,841 --> 00:09:42,625 Nandor looks like he's a real big sleeper, right? 254 00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:44,148 I could sell him, like, 40 large. 255 00:09:44,192 --> 00:09:45,585 And then, you know, the little guy, 256 00:09:45,628 --> 00:09:47,543 listen, get him for ten, okay? He's poor. 257 00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,240 I mean, he wears the same cardigan everywhere. 258 00:09:49,284 --> 00:09:51,286 I sense there's something else that's bothering you. 259 00:09:51,329 --> 00:09:53,680 All right. All right. 260 00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:55,943 You got to promise me you're not gonna tell a soul. 261 00:09:55,986 --> 00:09:58,075 - I won't tell a soul. - Charmaine doesn't even know. 262 00:09:58,119 --> 00:09:59,511 - Really? - Yeah. 263 00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:01,644 - Okay, are you ready? - Yeah, I'm ready. 264 00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:03,864 All right. Hey, whoa, whoa! 265 00:10:03,907 --> 00:10:05,996 I got a cousin like that, but that's not me. 266 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:08,303 - Really? - Yeah, I respect you and everything... 267 00:10:08,346 --> 00:10:09,870 Okay. You won't remember anything 268 00:10:09,913 --> 00:10:12,916 about how you attempted to seduce me just now. 269 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,788 Continue with your tale. 270 00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:16,746 I'm in too deep. 271 00:10:16,790 --> 00:10:18,661 I bought a lot, a lot of pillows. 272 00:10:18,705 --> 00:10:20,576 I mean, so many. 273 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:21,751 How many pillows? 274 00:10:21,795 --> 00:10:23,579 [Sean grunts] 275 00:10:24,536 --> 00:10:26,974 - LASZLO: Shit. - Yeah. I haven't sold that many, 276 00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:29,280 so I can't pay back the guy who sold them to me. 277 00:10:29,324 --> 00:10:31,369 And, uh, now he's taking me to small-claims court. 278 00:10:31,413 --> 00:10:33,371 So, how many of these have you actually sold? 279 00:10:34,372 --> 00:10:35,678 Three. 280 00:10:35,722 --> 00:10:37,201 -[groans] - Yeah. Charmaine wanted one, 281 00:10:37,245 --> 00:10:38,768 but you can't sell them to women because... 282 00:10:38,812 --> 00:10:40,204 - it's a men's-only pillow. - Men's-only pillow. 283 00:10:40,248 --> 00:10:41,553 Says so on the box. 284 00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:43,164 Yeah, yeah, it's legally binding. 285 00:10:43,207 --> 00:10:46,863 Court date's tomorrow night. I'm scared, Laz. 286 00:10:46,907 --> 00:10:49,170 I don't want you to worry about this one second longer. 287 00:10:49,213 --> 00:10:50,693 I think I can get you out of this hole. 288 00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:54,001 [chuckling] I could kiss you, Laz! 289 00:10:56,046 --> 00:10:58,222 -[bell tolls] - NADJA: Maybe we could just put 290 00:10:58,266 --> 00:11:00,355 a sheet or a cloth over it or something. 291 00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:04,359 The throne is a very important symbol in the ceremony. 292 00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:05,752 GUILLERMO: Hmm. 293 00:11:05,795 --> 00:11:07,536 Well, I have an idea, but... Forget it. 294 00:11:07,579 --> 00:11:09,625 I have too many things to do today. [chuckles] 295 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,583 - No, go on, Guillermo. - No, what is it? 296 00:11:11,627 --> 00:11:13,281 Well... 297 00:11:13,324 --> 00:11:14,499 I was thinking, 298 00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:17,372 why don't we put me in the robe, 299 00:11:17,415 --> 00:11:18,721 and I'll sit on the throne? 300 00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:20,114 I mean, I'm obviously not a vampire, 301 00:11:20,157 --> 00:11:21,768 but they don't know that. 302 00:11:21,811 --> 00:11:24,814 And I think that, you know, the symbolism will hold. 303 00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:28,426 - Worth a shot, I guess. - Works for me. - An elegant solution. 304 00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:30,994 -[bell tolls] - GUILLERMO: Okay. - NADJA: I love symbolism, so... 305 00:11:31,038 --> 00:11:32,474 A little bit higher. 306 00:11:32,517 --> 00:11:35,259 [classical music playing] 307 00:11:35,303 --> 00:11:37,435 It's all a big game of chess. 308 00:11:37,479 --> 00:11:41,701 I just didn't say who was playing who...m. Whom. 309 00:11:44,181 --> 00:11:46,227 Go faster! 310 00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:49,665 Yeah! [whooping] 311 00:11:51,406 --> 00:11:52,624 I'm getting dizzy. 312 00:11:55,758 --> 00:11:59,109 - All right. Uh, Iorek the Knavish. -[chains rattling] 313 00:11:59,153 --> 00:12:00,458 [hisses] 314 00:12:00,502 --> 00:12:01,633 The wraiths look much more disgusting 315 00:12:01,677 --> 00:12:03,374 than I remember them looking. 316 00:12:03,418 --> 00:12:05,202 GUIDE: Oh, yeah. We have them wear special masks 317 00:12:05,246 --> 00:12:06,726 for the Ceremonies of Judgment. 318 00:12:06,769 --> 00:12:08,989 Makes them look much scarier. 319 00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:12,296 Number Five? Wrong mask! Again! 320 00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:14,385 Every time with that one. 321 00:12:14,429 --> 00:12:17,954 Thank you. [clears throat] So, continuing... 322 00:12:17,998 --> 00:12:19,390 Iorek the Knavish, 323 00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,349 you stand charged with selling 324 00:12:21,392 --> 00:12:25,179 your fellow vampires a so-called magical herb 325 00:12:25,222 --> 00:12:27,050 which you claimed would protect them 326 00:12:27,094 --> 00:12:29,096 from the ill effects of sunshine. 327 00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:30,750 NADJA: Oh, that would be nice. 328 00:12:30,793 --> 00:12:32,403 [chuckles]: Yes, indeed, it would be. 329 00:12:32,447 --> 00:12:35,102 If it worked! 330 00:12:35,145 --> 00:12:37,017 [bell tolls] 331 00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:40,063 Please watch. 332 00:12:40,107 --> 00:12:42,936 [man and woman screaming on TV] 333 00:12:42,979 --> 00:12:45,939 [Nadja, Guide and Nandor groaning] 334 00:12:50,421 --> 00:12:52,249 How did you obtain this footage? 335 00:12:52,293 --> 00:12:53,860 - The Crow-Cam. -[cawing] 336 00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:55,992 - NADJA: Ah. - NANDOR: Hello. 337 00:12:56,036 --> 00:12:57,341 It's gone. 338 00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:59,648 Nandor, it is clearly vampicide. 339 00:12:59,691 --> 00:13:01,650 Yes, multiple vampicide. 340 00:13:01,693 --> 00:13:02,999 NADJA: Well, then, we should kill him. 341 00:13:03,043 --> 00:13:05,132 Um, it might not be a bad idea 342 00:13:05,175 --> 00:13:06,829 to kick off our reign with something 343 00:13:06,873 --> 00:13:08,875 that shows a bit more mercy? 344 00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:10,572 Yeah, hmm? 345 00:13:10,615 --> 00:13:11,834 NADJA: Is there a cell 346 00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:13,096 that he can be cast away in 347 00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:15,142 for hundreds of years? [hisses] 348 00:13:15,185 --> 00:13:16,839 - As you wish. -[bell tolls] 349 00:13:16,883 --> 00:13:20,016 For how many years specifically? 350 00:13:20,060 --> 00:13:21,670 - 500 years! - A hundred. 351 00:13:21,713 --> 00:13:23,585 - 150. - Two years is fine. Just two is good. 352 00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:26,849 GUIDE: Our next offender stands accused 353 00:13:26,893 --> 00:13:28,938 of breaking just about every rule 354 00:13:28,982 --> 00:13:31,593 by which we vampires keep our presence 355 00:13:31,636 --> 00:13:33,725 on this earth a secret. 356 00:13:33,769 --> 00:13:36,119 -[bell tolls] -[Nandor hisses] 357 00:13:36,163 --> 00:13:39,253 -[hissing] - Ugh. Boo! - DEREK: Okay, so, hear me out. 358 00:13:39,296 --> 00:13:41,211 If you tell me the rules, I'd be down to follow them. 359 00:13:41,255 --> 00:13:43,039 GUIDE: If I may please continue? 360 00:13:43,083 --> 00:13:45,085 - NADJA: Yes. - GUIDE: Thank you. 361 00:13:45,128 --> 00:13:46,782 Derek is a member of the Mosquito Club. 362 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:50,133 It was that, uh, vigilante vampire-hunting group 363 00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:51,787 that I joined accidentally. Accidentally joined. 364 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,789 - My man. - GUILLERMO: And then we went 365 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:54,964 to that weird house with the vampire family, 366 00:13:55,008 --> 00:13:56,661 and they attacked us. 367 00:13:56,705 --> 00:13:58,098 - SHANICE: Come on! Let's go! - GUILLERMO: We did it! 368 00:13:58,141 --> 00:13:59,664 - We actually found the... -[Shanice screams] 369 00:13:59,708 --> 00:14:02,319 And he was left behind. I-I left him behind. 370 00:14:02,363 --> 00:14:04,887 - Where's Derek? - It's too late for him now. 371 00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:06,976 I've had to live with that every day since that night, so... 372 00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:09,239 I-I-I thought he was dead. 373 00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:10,588 -[bell tolls] - GUIDE: Derek, 374 00:14:10,632 --> 00:14:12,677 you have accrued the following charges: 375 00:14:12,721 --> 00:14:15,115 turning into a bat on the subway 376 00:14:15,158 --> 00:14:18,205 in an attempt to scare teenagers, 377 00:14:18,248 --> 00:14:19,859 stealing IV bags 378 00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:22,209 from blood donor centers across the city... 379 00:14:22,252 --> 00:14:24,689 Also, what are you wearing? 380 00:14:24,733 --> 00:14:26,343 You are wearing bad vampire fashions. 381 00:14:26,387 --> 00:14:29,477 - That is the most heinous crime! - DEREK: Well, I mean, 382 00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:33,089 I didn't know where to get proper vampire finery, 383 00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:34,656 but the Hot Topic at the mall had some really great stuff. 384 00:14:34,699 --> 00:14:35,918 I mean, they're fast fashion, but... 385 00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:38,094 GUIDE: If I may continue? 386 00:14:38,138 --> 00:14:40,792 Feeding on bystanders out in the open 387 00:14:40,836 --> 00:14:43,143 who have fallen asleep on park benches. 388 00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:45,014 What's the alternative? 389 00:14:45,058 --> 00:14:46,929 Owning an unlicensed hellhound. 390 00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:49,018 -[Nadja gasps] - I'm sorry, y-you mean Aspen? - Hey, boy. 391 00:14:49,062 --> 00:14:51,499 - Nandor, be careful. [screams] - Are you in there? -[Aspen growling] 392 00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,762 -[Nandor whimpers] - NADJA: Stay back! - DEREK: Aspen! 393 00:14:53,805 --> 00:14:56,286 -[growling stops] - Sit! - If I may please continue?! 394 00:14:56,330 --> 00:14:57,809 - Sorry. - GUIDE: We've got a lot to do! 395 00:14:57,853 --> 00:14:59,333 - NADJA: Sorry, yes. -[Guide clears throat] 396 00:14:59,376 --> 00:15:02,379 Owning an unlicensed hellhound. 397 00:15:02,423 --> 00:15:05,295 Oh, that was actually it. Sorry. We're done. 398 00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:07,950 - Okay. - NADJA: These crimes you have committed 399 00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:10,605 are despicable! [spits] 400 00:15:10,648 --> 00:15:12,302 What do you have to say for yourself? 401 00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:14,696 -[hisses] - I don't know. Whoops? 402 00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:16,785 That was a shit response, 403 00:15:16,828 --> 00:15:18,091 - wasn't it? - GUILLERMO: I-I'm sure 404 00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:20,354 what he meant to say is that surely 405 00:15:20,397 --> 00:15:22,660 there's an explanation somehow, right? 406 00:15:22,704 --> 00:15:24,401 I guess I just do fucked-up shit now. 407 00:15:24,445 --> 00:15:26,316 That's just who I am. 408 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,753 A vampire that draws attention to vampirism 409 00:15:28,797 --> 00:15:30,973 is a threat to all vampires everywhere. 410 00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:33,236 Yes. And, also, I was thinking, 411 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:34,890 because we showed the other man mercy, 412 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,110 for this one, I think we just balls to the wall, 413 00:15:37,153 --> 00:15:38,807 just go fucking crazy. 414 00:15:38,850 --> 00:15:40,504 I agree completely. 415 00:15:40,548 --> 00:15:42,463 - Well, I think that... - Then we are of one brain! 416 00:15:42,506 --> 00:15:44,378 We sentence you 417 00:15:44,421 --> 00:15:47,250 - to death! [laughs] - Death. 418 00:15:47,294 --> 00:15:49,122 - I'm sorry, come again? - GUIDE: Derek, you are 419 00:15:49,165 --> 00:15:52,777 hereby sentenced to be thrown into the Well of Daylight, 420 00:15:52,821 --> 00:15:54,605 where you will die 421 00:15:54,649 --> 00:15:57,391 - by the rays of tomorrow's sunrise. -[Nadja laughs] 422 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,701 [whispers]: Derek. Hey. 423 00:16:03,745 --> 00:16:05,877 - Guillermo. Hey, dude. - GUILLERMO: Just wanted 424 00:16:05,921 --> 00:16:08,750 to stop by and say, um... I'm sorry. 425 00:16:08,793 --> 00:16:10,447 This is all my fault. I could've done more. 426 00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:12,449 It should've been me that was left behind. 427 00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:14,060 No, no, no. There's no way you could've known-- Ah! 428 00:16:14,103 --> 00:16:15,931 - No, Derek, stay away from the sun. - Ah! 429 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,324 [Derek groaning, whooping] 430 00:16:17,367 --> 00:16:18,412 I thought that was obvious. 431 00:16:18,455 --> 00:16:20,283 Well, you know, I sort of wish 432 00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:22,329 maybe you'd looked me up and, I don't know, 433 00:16:22,372 --> 00:16:24,461 given me a rule book or something. 434 00:16:24,505 --> 00:16:26,333 Is there even a rule book-- Ah! Goddamn it! 435 00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:27,812 Get out of the sun, Derek! 436 00:16:27,856 --> 00:16:29,466 -[Derek shouting] - No! Just follow 437 00:16:29,510 --> 00:16:31,468 the sound of my voice! This way. 438 00:16:31,512 --> 00:16:32,774 -[pained groaning] - Geez. 439 00:16:32,817 --> 00:16:34,471 -[sizzling] - That is gonna scab. 440 00:16:34,515 --> 00:16:36,343 I thought that would be common sense to-- You know what? 441 00:16:36,386 --> 00:16:39,607 Here. Put this on and cover yourself with it, okay? 442 00:16:39,650 --> 00:16:41,652 Don't move. I'm gonna get you out of here. 443 00:16:41,696 --> 00:16:42,871 Thanks, Guillermo. 444 00:16:45,874 --> 00:16:47,832 Ah, damn it! 445 00:16:50,748 --> 00:16:52,794 You know, I've been thinking... 446 00:16:52,837 --> 00:16:54,187 Oh, great. 447 00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:56,232 I was actually surprised that you let Nadja 448 00:16:56,276 --> 00:16:59,496 talk you into killing that Derek guy. 449 00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:02,151 I didn't let Nadja talk me into doing anything. 450 00:17:02,195 --> 00:17:07,069 Really? And yet you let Nadja steamroll over you like that... 451 00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:08,723 - Are you done? - Yes, but... 452 00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:10,333 - Good. - You said... 453 00:17:10,377 --> 00:17:11,813 GUILLERMO: I thought I had mastered the game. 454 00:17:11,856 --> 00:17:13,206 Just whispering in people's ears. [chuckles] 455 00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:14,598 - Between you and I... - Hmm? [giggles] 456 00:17:14,642 --> 00:17:15,643 GUILLERMO: Calling the shots. 457 00:17:15,686 --> 00:17:17,297 People have been saying that 458 00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:19,299 you just sentenced that Derek guy to death because 459 00:17:19,342 --> 00:17:21,388 [whispers]: you let Nandor walk all over you. 460 00:17:21,431 --> 00:17:23,259 Have a fucking day off, Guillermo. 461 00:17:23,303 --> 00:17:26,262 No one said that. Please do not talk anymore. 462 00:17:26,306 --> 00:17:28,960 But I think I really biffed this one. 463 00:17:29,004 --> 00:17:32,399 JUDGE: Garry Degen v. Sean Rinaldi? 464 00:17:32,442 --> 00:17:33,835 Present and accounted for, Your Honor. 465 00:17:33,878 --> 00:17:36,359 It says here you have representation? 466 00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:37,534 [laughs]: Oh, yeah. 467 00:17:37,578 --> 00:17:40,494 Have no fear. Here I am. 468 00:17:40,537 --> 00:17:42,409 Sean has been done an injustice, 469 00:17:42,452 --> 00:17:44,498 and I won't stand for it. Luckily for him, 470 00:17:44,541 --> 00:17:47,936 I am no stranger to the song and dance of the courtroom, 471 00:17:47,979 --> 00:17:51,157 for I myself used to be a barrister on the Queen's Bench. 472 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,507 Mainly representing myself for crimes 473 00:17:53,550 --> 00:17:55,900 such as soliciting and pornography. 474 00:17:55,944 --> 00:17:58,773 But I've mainly defended a lot of hogs. 475 00:17:58,816 --> 00:18:00,296 And horses. 476 00:18:01,993 --> 00:18:04,039 JUDGE: What is this, some kind of Hamilton thing? 477 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:06,259 - What? - COLIN: Your Honor, if I may, 478 00:18:06,302 --> 00:18:08,261 New York State Statute 82 479 00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:11,307 clearly states that legal counsel's attire cannot be 480 00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:13,179 - discriminated against. - JUDGE: All right, fine. 481 00:18:13,222 --> 00:18:15,224 Oh, yeah. I googled that this morning 482 00:18:15,268 --> 00:18:17,705 when I saw him in that old lady's wig. 483 00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:21,752 My only other duty as his de facto paralegal seems to be 484 00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:24,929 hauling around his file boxes, which-- 485 00:18:24,973 --> 00:18:26,409 between you and me-- 486 00:18:26,453 --> 00:18:28,977 mostly contain pornography. 487 00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:32,328 Now, my lords, ladies and gentlemen, 488 00:18:32,372 --> 00:18:35,288 I feel a huge injustice has occurred here today, 489 00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:37,725 - and it needs addressing. - And what's that? 490 00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:40,119 Well, this chap has the hair of a pedophile. 491 00:18:40,162 --> 00:18:42,686 I've got to be honest, I haven't stepped inside a court 492 00:18:42,730 --> 00:18:44,166 for about 300 years. 493 00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:46,168 - Objection! - This is your fourth 494 00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:48,997 objection in the last minute, Mr. Cravensworth. Overruled. 495 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:51,217 - Objection. - What about? 496 00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:52,479 Objection? 497 00:18:52,522 --> 00:18:54,045 So, my techniques 498 00:18:54,089 --> 00:18:55,351 and my methods might be a bit old-fashioned. 499 00:18:55,395 --> 00:18:57,919 May I approach the bitch? 500 00:18:57,962 --> 00:18:59,312 -[Sean snickers] - What did you say? 501 00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:01,052 I said, "May I approach the bench?" 502 00:19:01,096 --> 00:19:03,272 - Ah. - What did you think I said? 503 00:19:03,316 --> 00:19:06,188 Right. I'm ready to wrap this up. 504 00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:11,106 The common man-- whether he be Neanderthal, troglodyte-- 505 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,064 they all deserve their day in court. 506 00:19:13,108 --> 00:19:16,155 A slice of a fair system, wouldn't you say? 507 00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:17,504 I think I've heard enough, thank you. 508 00:19:17,547 --> 00:19:18,853 Judgment for the plaintiff 509 00:19:18,896 --> 00:19:22,161 in the amount of $12,700. 510 00:19:22,204 --> 00:19:23,727 - What's she talking about? -[gavel bangs] 511 00:19:23,771 --> 00:19:24,946 We lost. 512 00:19:24,989 --> 00:19:26,817 LASZLO: What the fuck? 513 00:19:28,906 --> 00:19:30,560 -[whispers]: Fuck. -[door opens] 514 00:19:30,604 --> 00:19:32,867 - I need to see Nadja. - SEAN: No, no. 515 00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:34,782 - Nadja? - No, no, bro. 516 00:19:34,825 --> 00:19:36,305 She's not there. Come on. God, you're heavy. 517 00:19:36,349 --> 00:19:37,306 - LASZLO: I think I'm gonna puke. - What happened? 518 00:19:37,350 --> 00:19:39,482 Well, he lost a court case 519 00:19:39,526 --> 00:19:41,441 and he took it pretty hard, and we went to a bar 520 00:19:41,484 --> 00:19:43,051 - to... help him unwind. -[belches] 521 00:19:43,094 --> 00:19:45,575 - Wait, Laszlo's a lawyer? -[sighs]: Yeah. 522 00:19:45,619 --> 00:19:48,274 We met some finance guys, and next thing you know, 523 00:19:48,317 --> 00:19:49,840 double-fisting drinks. 524 00:19:49,884 --> 00:19:52,060 They take off, we lose track of Laz. 525 00:19:52,103 --> 00:19:54,497 -[laughing] - They must've gone out barhopping or something. 526 00:19:54,541 --> 00:19:56,804 Oh, I can't believe this is the first time 527 00:19:56,847 --> 00:20:01,112 I'm inside your guys's place. You must do a lot of antiquing. 528 00:20:01,156 --> 00:20:02,244 Nope. Don't touch that. 529 00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:04,333 Jennifer the Dreadfully Loathsome, 530 00:20:04,377 --> 00:20:07,249 we would like to officially apologize for the distress 531 00:20:07,293 --> 00:20:09,512 your name has caused you, and we hereby 532 00:20:09,556 --> 00:20:12,298 grant you permission to change your name henceforth. 533 00:20:12,341 --> 00:20:14,648 - NANDOR: Yes. - As requested, you will be known 534 00:20:14,691 --> 00:20:17,041 as Gabby the Dreadfully Loathsome. 535 00:20:17,085 --> 00:20:18,260 - Gabby. - Congratulations, my love. 536 00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:19,653 Thank you. 537 00:20:19,696 --> 00:20:20,958 I think we're done, guys. Excellent day. 538 00:20:21,002 --> 00:20:22,177 -[doors slam open] - GUILLERMO: Wait! 539 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,700 NANDOR: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! 540 00:20:23,744 --> 00:20:25,311 What is the meaning of this outburst, Guillermo? 541 00:20:25,354 --> 00:20:27,704 He's supposed to be ashes by now. 542 00:20:27,748 --> 00:20:30,533 GUILLERMO: The prisoner was sentenced to death. 543 00:20:30,577 --> 00:20:33,188 And by some miracle... [chuckles] escaped. 544 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,103 - What are you talking about? You helped me... Oh. - Shut... 545 00:20:35,146 --> 00:20:37,323 GUILLERMO: He escaped! But a-according to 546 00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:40,413 Codicil 18 of the Vampiric Council Code of Conduct... 547 00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:42,110 I just made that up. [chuckles] 548 00:20:42,153 --> 00:20:46,288 Codicil 18: The prisoner is entitled to... 549 00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:48,072 a defense attorney! 550 00:20:48,116 --> 00:20:51,380 -[Nadja gasps, laughs] - NANDOR: Oh, for fuck's sake... 551 00:20:51,424 --> 00:20:54,601 - All rise. The Honorable Laszlo... -[muttering] 552 00:20:54,644 --> 00:20:55,993 Well, you-you know who he is. 553 00:20:56,037 --> 00:20:58,300 My lords and ladies of... 554 00:20:58,344 --> 00:21:00,955 -[belches] jury. - Ugh. 555 00:21:02,609 --> 00:21:03,784 Eh... 556 00:21:06,090 --> 00:21:07,657 Um... 557 00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:10,878 NANDOR: Is there any more? Okay... great. 558 00:21:10,921 --> 00:21:12,532 He's never been very good with his blood liquor. 559 00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:16,710 If I may quote my favorite comedian, Monty Python, 560 00:21:16,753 --> 00:21:18,712 [bad accent]: "We better get a bucket." 561 00:21:18,755 --> 00:21:20,540 [laughs] He's gonna throw up. 562 00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:21,845 - I think he's gonna puke. -[belches] 563 00:21:21,889 --> 00:21:23,673 No! Before that, I think what he was 564 00:21:23,717 --> 00:21:25,545 going to say is that he... 565 00:21:25,588 --> 00:21:30,201 volunteers to take this young vampire under his wing. 566 00:21:30,245 --> 00:21:31,855 - NANDOR: Did he say that? - GUILLERMO: Yes. And, of course, 567 00:21:31,899 --> 00:21:33,988 make him, you know, work off his transgressions. 568 00:21:34,031 --> 00:21:36,251 And also, uh, vouch for any future, 569 00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:38,427 uh, uh, behavior of his. Right? Right, Laszlo? 570 00:21:38,471 --> 00:21:40,342 -[groaning] - La-Laszlo? 571 00:21:40,386 --> 00:21:41,865 - NANDOR: That's a yes? - That's a yes. 572 00:21:41,909 --> 00:21:43,867 I think it would be so lovely for him 573 00:21:43,911 --> 00:21:46,261 if you just let him win this first case, just for Laszlo. 574 00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:47,871 Please? 575 00:21:47,915 --> 00:21:50,309 [sighs] Okay, fine. I don't even care at this point. 576 00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:52,267 - Release the prisoner. -[laughs] 577 00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:54,095 NADJA: Laszlo has won a case! 578 00:21:54,138 --> 00:21:55,966 Very good. Well done, my love! 579 00:21:56,010 --> 00:21:57,403 - You won your first case ever! - Well done. Well done, Laszlo. 580 00:21:57,446 --> 00:21:59,013 Congratulations. 581 00:21:59,056 --> 00:22:00,406 Guillermo, you, uh, you saved me. 582 00:22:00,449 --> 00:22:02,538 Oh, no. Thank your l... yeah, all right. 583 00:22:02,582 --> 00:22:04,018 Yeah. I guess it was kind of me. [chuckles] 584 00:22:04,061 --> 00:22:06,150 [loud banging] 585 00:22:06,194 --> 00:22:08,196 NANDOR: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Guillermo, you step away 586 00:22:08,239 --> 00:22:09,632 from that crate this instant. 587 00:22:09,676 --> 00:22:10,938 -[barking] - Get your hands off that lock 588 00:22:10,981 --> 00:22:12,374 - immediately! - NADJA: Guillermo, 589 00:22:12,418 --> 00:22:13,636 hellhounds are not to be trifled with. 590 00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:14,724 NANDOR: Don't do this! 591 00:22:14,768 --> 00:22:16,030 Did you ever stop and think 592 00:22:16,073 --> 00:22:18,380 that maybe this creature was just hungry? 593 00:22:18,424 --> 00:22:20,774 - Or afraid? - D-Don't. Don't open that door. 594 00:22:20,817 --> 00:22:22,906 - Or both? -[Nadja gasps] - Don't do it! 595 00:22:22,950 --> 00:22:25,431 - Hey...! - There he is. 596 00:22:25,474 --> 00:22:27,737 -[gasps] Good boy. See? -[Nadja whimpering] 597 00:22:27,781 --> 00:22:29,304 He just needed some love and attention. 598 00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:31,175 - Away, hellhound. - GUILLERMO: Who's a good boy? 599 00:22:31,219 --> 00:22:32,525 - Good boy. - NADJA: How is he doing that? 600 00:22:32,568 --> 00:22:35,876 Maybe it's part of his magical DNA. 601 00:22:35,919 --> 00:22:36,877 - Lay! -[barks] 602 00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:38,531 [gasps] Good boy. 603 00:22:38,574 --> 00:22:41,882 And he's got an enchanted nutsack as well, apparently. 604 00:22:41,925 --> 00:22:43,362 ♪ 605 00:22:43,405 --> 00:22:45,451 ♪ Nobody gonna save you♪ 606 00:22:45,494 --> 00:22:47,931 ♪ Nobody gonna try♪ 607 00:22:47,975 --> 00:22:50,151 ♪ The clock, it fuels your madness♪ 608 00:22:50,194 --> 00:22:53,415 ♪ And it pulls you out of time♪ 609 00:22:53,459 --> 00:22:55,112 [doorbell rings] 610 00:22:55,156 --> 00:22:56,549 Yes, good evening, sir. 611 00:22:56,592 --> 00:22:58,028 Introducing the Guy Pillow. 612 00:22:58,072 --> 00:22:59,290 For the man that has everything except... 613 00:22:59,334 --> 00:23:02,424 [groans]: Nah. Not interested. 614 00:23:02,468 --> 00:23:06,994 I... hereby... command you or whatever... 615 00:23:07,037 --> 00:23:09,170 to not be a dick about this right now. 616 00:23:09,213 --> 00:23:13,522 ♪ I'm gonna be there on your Judgment Day, y-yeah♪ 617 00:23:18,353 --> 00:23:22,488 ♪ You punished all the innocent and rewarded the cruel♪ 618 00:23:22,531 --> 00:23:27,754 ♪ You threw out all the healers, now surrounded by fools♪ 619 00:23:27,797 --> 00:23:32,802 ♪ I'm gonna be there when you stumble and you fall♪ 620 00:23:32,846 --> 00:23:37,720 ♪ I'm gonna be there when no one takes your call, no-no♪ 621 00:23:37,764 --> 00:23:42,812 ♪ I'm gonna be there for your hell to pay♪ 622 00:23:42,856 --> 00:23:47,295 ♪ I'm gonna be there on your Judgment Day.♪ 623 00:23:54,868 --> 00:23:55,564 COLIN ROBINSON READING] 624 00:24:19,153 --> 00:24:21,155 [COLIN ROBINSON CHUCKLING][UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 625 00:24:25,202 --> 00:24:26,203 [WHISPERING] Mom. 626 00:24:28,554 --> 00:24:30,947 Mom. 627 00:24:32,601 --> 00:24:34,603 The President kissed me. 628 00:24:40,827 --> 00:24:41,697 [EERIE MUSIC PLAYING] 629 00:24:49,096 --> 00:24:51,098 [PLAYS DISCORDANT TUNE] 630 00:24:55,406 --> 00:24:57,017 MAN: My name's Archer. 631 00:24:57,060 --> 00:24:59,149 Uh, I'm an egomaniac who endangers every mission. 632 00:24:59,193 --> 00:25:02,588 Also, I'm inebriated almost 24 hours a day. 633 00:25:02,631 --> 00:25:04,938 Lose the almost and then take it again 634 00:25:04,981 --> 00:25:06,983 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 635 00:25:11,292 --> 00:25:12,511 MAN: Please try to avoid sudden ships and wait. 636 00:25:12,554 --> 00:25:14,251 Sorry. Hey! 637 00:25:14,295 --> 00:25:17,037 My name is B.J. Novak. I want to tell you about the show I made. 638 00:25:18,647 --> 00:25:20,475 Every episode is completely different. 639 00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:21,563 WOMAN: Pop-culture. Sex. 640 00:25:21,607 --> 00:25:23,086 - MAN Revenge. - MAN 2: Guns. 641 00:25:23,130 --> 00:25:25,349 Must be training for something 642 00:25:25,393 --> 00:25:26,916 [SPUTTERS]B.J.: Meaningful issues... 643 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,309 Celebrity worship is better. 644 00:25:28,352 --> 00:25:30,354 B.J.: ...explored through meaningless comedy. 645 00:25:30,398 --> 00:25:32,748 You never forget a scrotum like that. 646 00:25:32,792 --> 00:25:34,402 Haunts my dreams. 647 00:25:34,445 --> 00:25:35,490 That's it. 648 00:25:35,534 --> 00:25:36,883 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 649 00:25:36,933 --> 00:25:41,483 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0